I promised to be honest with this blog and so I'll let you in a little closer than I normally would and tell you about a recent experience where my own fallen-ness got in the way of me:
I was driving down Creedmoor Road in Raleigh when I passed a runner. I took a quick look at this guy and got an image of someone who spends a lot of time on his own body. He was tanned and toned--ripped, even. And as I saw him run by, I realized the immediate reaction I had to him and his appearance with some regret:
I hated him.
Now mind you, I didn't (and still don't) know this guy from Adam. He could be a hard-working guy just trying to get by in the world. He could be an athlete in training. He could be a brother in Christ headed for the mission field or a young father out for a run to keep the stress down so he can be there one hundred percent for his wife and kids. But at that time, none of that crossed my mind. All I could think was how in my heart--for just a moment--I despised him.
Now in case you haven't picked up on this, the reason for this flash of hatred was jealousy. I looked at this guy and it seemed clear to me that here was a man who could have his pick of women (and likely has), while I personally seem to live somewhere between loneliness and rejection all the time (rejection being the worse of the two but risking rejection being unfortunately the only way to escape loneliness). I don't exactly tend to do well with the girls in general and worse yet right now I'm not in a place where I'm likely to meet someone new anyway. It seems like lately all the women that attract my notice are either too young or married already (or in the really scary cases that I'm seeing more of lately, both). And if guys like this are the ones getting the girls, an argument could be made that I have some grounds for hating "Running Stud" here and all his ilk.
Except I don't. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I don't have the right to choose who I will or will not love. Jesus made that abundantly clear when he applied the second part of the great commandment (the part about loving our neighbors as ourselves) to Samaritans and Jews (pretty harsh rivals, to say the least). So, while I get the concept of loving the unlovely or the unlovable, what about those I see as more lovable or desirable than me? The ones who seem to get all the breaks I don't get? We're all made in the image of God and that image is not any clearer or more obscure in a "beautiful" person than it is in an "ugly" one. And oh yeah, lest I forget and think I deserve so much better than I get, I should note that I'm a flat-out gross sinner whose only claim to anything good is that God loved me enough to send His Son.
So I had to pray and ask forgiveness. I'm not proud of such thoughts in myself, but they do show up from time-to-time. There's no excuse for it, but right there it is. If that was you running on the side of the road, I'm really sorry, man. You didn't deserve my animosity. My own insecurities aren't your fault or anybody else's. They're based on me believing the lies of the evil one that no one could love me and that I've got to be in competition with other guys to get by. Thankfully, I'm still a work in progress and God hasn't let go of me yet.
Father, you are so good, and I'm so thankful that You never let me go...even when I act like a straight-up idiot and think someone has been blessed more than I or that I have a right not to love any person created in Your holy image. I love You so much, Father. Thank You for loving me first, even though I couldn't ever hope to deserve it.
And even if you're not as big an idiot as I am, He loves you like that, too.
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