Ladies: "How can I tell if he loves me so?" Answer: DUMP HIM.

I've been witnessing a trend for a couple of years now that has disturbed me: Many godly girls I know seem to keep falling hard in love with Christian guys who are merely impressed with them, not truly in love with them. The guy respects the girl, is attracted to her, thinks she's got a lot to offer, but he's not really "in love" with her (maybe he could be, but he's not now). In some cases, the guy is just so desperate to be married (mostly because--let's be honest, guys--he wants to be able to have sex without sinning) that he is all too willing to get involved with a girl who is interested in him and seems a good fit, just so he doesn't have to be alone. In other cases, the guy is just trying different girls on for size (like they were running shoes or something) and not really pursuing a girl sacrificially the way Christ loves and pursues the church--giving everything for her to win her, keep her and perfect her (Ephesians 5:25-29).

I am absolutely convinced that the best relationships are the ones my mentor Mike has described to me on numerous occasions: The guy is already convinced going in--he would marry her right now if she'd have him. He just needs to convince her that he is worthy of her love and trust. After all, we didn't seek Christ (Romans 3:11); He sought us. He loved us first (Rom. 5:8,10) so it stands to reason that the best relationships would involve a man loving his wife and pursuing her PRIOR to her being convinced of and responding to him. Now that's not to say that it can't ever work when the girl is interested first. We're human and fallen and we don't always reflect eternal truths perfectly. But most of the successful relationships I've seen where the girl had been waiting on the guy had more to do with the guy being clueless that the girl was interested/available than with him needing to be convinced that she was worthy once he realized a relationship with her was possible.

The picture of Christ and the church that marriage is supposed to paint (Eph. 5:22-33) involves a man who loves/cherishes/sacrifices for his wife and a woman who respects/honors/submits to her husband but too often, it's primarily the woman who loves and the man who respects. Now. we all need both love and respect. But where a man has more respect than love for a woman or a woman has more love than respect for a man, biblically speaking things are backwards.

(Quick note for the ladies here: Respect as I'm using it here is not like the general respect you might have for all brothers and sisters in Christ--just like you wouldn't want your husband to love every other Christian to the extent that he loves you. This is a much deeper level of respect that says: "I would go along with him wherever he leads--even if it's the last place I want to go--and I will support him and encourage him every step of the way because I trust him completely with my life and my heart." It's an exclusive respect, just like the husband's love for the wife is an exclusive love. If this seems similar to the kind of faith and trust you know you place in Christ, it's because it's supposed to be! In fact, Christ should be the only one you respect and trust more than you do your husband. Until you are sure that you have that level of respect for a man, please don't give him your heart because he hasn't proven himself to you yet.)

So to the rather provocative title of this note: I think I've found a solution, ladies. You see, a friend of mine once commented that a man will never cherish what he doesn't have to fight for. I have another friend I know who lived this out. He was in love with a woman and they had been dating for some time. Unfortunately, their relationship started to stagnate--at least from the girl's perspective. She kept sending him signals that he needed to step things up and move forward and he didn't appear to be ready. She finished school and moved back home, two states away. Seeing that it didn't look like it was going anywhere, she did exactly what I am offering as a solution here: She dumped him. Now my friend really loved this girl and he was devastated because he was sure he wanted to marry her. So, he did something radical: He drove straight across two states to tell her that if she really wanted to end it, he would respect that but if there was anything he could do to hold on to her, he would do it. They were married a few months later.

Girls, do you doubt that your guy whom you're so crazy about would do that? Going after a guy and holding onto him tightly because he's what you think you want when he doesn't love you enough to lay down his life for you day-by-day is settling for less than God's best. Why settle? I don't care what he looks like, how well-spoken he is, how confident he is, how successful he is, how much he takes your breath away and makes your heart beat fast, how good you look on his arm, how much he reminds you of that image you have in your head of your perfect husband that's been there since you were twelve or any other reason you think you might have for loving this guy. If he isn't willing to sacrifice anything and everything but his integrity and his faith in Christ for you, he isn't worth your time and he certainly isn't worthy of your heart. So if you're not sure, may I humbly suggest that you put him to the test. Make him work for your heart. Dump him altogether if you have to, like my friend's future wife did. If he really is a quality guy and truly loves you like Christ loved the church, he'll be hurt, yes, but he'll do anything to lovingly win you back. I know it's a scary thought; you LOVE this guy. Losing him is a scary proposition. But I promise you, if he isn't willing to fight and sacrifice for you, he is so much less than what God has for you and it's so much better to wait for God's best in faith than to settle for what you can see. And if you can't trust your heart to God, how can you trust it to a man who is just as imperfect as you are (often moreso)?

Oh and on the flip side, if there's a guy in your life who displays godly character and wisdom who does love you like that (and I admit I'm a little more biased on this part of it because while I've been both of the guys in this note, I've far more often found myself on this side of the issue; but it's still good advice, I think), instead of wondering why the other guy who makes your heart flutter doesn't give you the time of day, how about showing some favor to the one who does love you? Give him the chance to win your heart and you might just find that a man who really cherishes you and lays his life down for you can not only make your heart flutter even more quickly than that other guy, he can keep that heart safe too, because for him, your heart is something valuable and irreplaceable. And my dear sister, that is exactly what your heart is. And you deserve to be loved like that. Please don't settle for less. Let a man win you by his love and godliness. Then you can be safe to place your trust in him and your heart in his hands.

"But how do you love the 'more lovable?'"

I promised to be honest with this blog and so I'll let you in a little closer than I normally would and tell you about a recent experience where my own fallen-ness got in the way of me:

I was driving down Creedmoor Road in Raleigh when I passed a runner. I took a quick look at this guy and got an image of someone who spends a lot of time on his own body. He was tanned and toned--ripped, even. And as I saw him run by, I realized the immediate reaction I had to him and his appearance with some regret:

I hated him.

Now mind you, I didn't (and still don't) know this guy from Adam. He could be a hard-working guy just trying to get by in the world. He could be an athlete in training. He could be a brother in Christ headed for the mission field or a young father out for a run to keep the stress down so he can be there one hundred percent for his wife and kids. But at that time, none of that crossed my mind. All I could think was how in my heart--for just a moment--I despised him.

Now in case you haven't picked up on this, the reason for this flash of hatred was jealousy. I looked at this guy and it seemed clear to me that here was a man who could have his pick of women (and likely has), while I personally seem to live somewhere between loneliness and rejection all the time (rejection being the worse of the two but risking rejection being unfortunately the only way to escape loneliness). I don't exactly tend to do well with the girls in general and worse yet right now I'm not in a place where I'm likely to meet someone new anyway. It seems like lately all the women that attract my notice are either too young or married already (or in the really scary cases that I'm seeing more of lately, both). And if guys like this are the ones getting the girls, an argument could be made that I have some grounds for hating "Running Stud" here and all his ilk.

Except I don't. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I don't have the right to choose who I will or will not love. Jesus made that abundantly clear when he applied the second part of the great commandment (the part about loving our neighbors as ourselves) to Samaritans and Jews (pretty harsh rivals, to say the least). So, while I get the concept of loving the unlovely or the unlovable, what about those I see as more lovable or desirable than me? The ones who seem to get all the breaks I don't get? We're all made in the image of God and that image is not any clearer or more obscure in a "beautiful" person than it is in an "ugly" one. And oh yeah, lest I forget and think I deserve so much better than I get, I should note that I'm a flat-out gross sinner whose only claim to anything good is that God loved me enough to send His Son.

So I had to pray and ask forgiveness. I'm not proud of such thoughts in myself, but they do show up from time-to-time. There's no excuse for it, but right there it is. If that was you running on the side of the road, I'm really sorry, man. You didn't deserve my animosity. My own insecurities aren't your fault or anybody else's. They're based on me believing the lies of the evil one that no one could love me and that I've got to be in competition with other guys to get by. Thankfully, I'm still a work in progress and God hasn't let go of me yet.

Father, you are so good, and I'm so thankful that You never let me go...even when I act like a straight-up idiot and think someone has been blessed more than I or that I have a right not to love any person created in Your holy image. I love You so much, Father. Thank You for loving me first, even though I couldn't ever hope to deserve it.

And even if you're not as big an idiot as I am, He loves you like that, too.